In the tiniest font possible, is where I find a semblance of hope for both privacy… and good energy. I decided that I should come to a coffee shop in the Grove after being angry at myself for being bored at home. The plight of the creative (I guess) is that it’s our goal to make peace with boredom. The thing with me is that peace is sometimes synonymous with boredom…so when my discernment is called into action, sometimes she’s missing.
I was thinking about how the death of people pleasing, and the embracing of authenticity can lead to a new perception of emotion. In my specific case, I’m annoyed… so letting myself be annoyed looks like me huffing and puffing every time I open my computer or close it. It’s really always that way for me at least. Anytime I hear a voice in my head that goes to plan my next move or even begin to police myself for drinking too much coffee or for even thinking too much, I try to kill it then and there. Sometimes, it’s the act of letting that thought pass through, being impartial about it’s presence and then killing it with the cold indifference that would send you spiraling if that thought were an ex or someone that you’re so used to pandering yourself for.
“I think you might be thinking about yourselves too much”
That’s a quote from this meme I found on twitter once from one of the actresses from Girls. I think it’s beautiful, because it’s a sexy dismissal of the plight of overthinking. When you’re around someone else, and all you can think about is how you look or sound to them, you miss the plot entirely. You miss out on what the other person is saying and you end up living like a mannequin on one of the display windows on Saks Fifth Avenue. It’s a life of posing and staying silent, while misdirecting the lens internally when you’re literally in front of thousands of people.
In my case, overthinking has been a lifelong battle that has mostly been in vain to help control my emotions. For a long time, I’ve swung from ideology to ideology, like any other young man who goes down the philosophical rabbit hole. Over the last few months, I’ve learned to outgrow the frustration from humanity’s conflicting perspectives on everything from materialism, to exercise. Some say exercise in the morning, some say to listen to your body and let it tell you when it wants to run, and some say that you need to override the system and force yourself to hit the squat rack even if it means dragging your feet to the gym.
It’s a paradox that can be either imprisoning or freeing. In my case, I’ve outgrown the journey for perfectionism but still fall into the same old trappings when present with certain triggers. A sexy crush, a red light, or literally anything my father says. In those moments, I still feel the reflex to not feel some kind of way about the whole thing. That being annoyed, mad, or jealous would mean that I have given into the triggers and took the gun in my own hands.
I’m starting to think it’s not so much as not feeling, but not letting that feeling overpower you. Alchemy is a concept that often makes me roll my eyes. It sounds a little pretentious and downright insensitive to tell someone to channel the anger they have towards a homophobic comment from someone else into something healthy. Because all you might want to do in that moment is rage, go crazy, or just downright burn everything down. If someone made you feel this way, it’s their fault right? So it only makes sense that they pay for what they’ve done by experiencing the repercussions, loudly.
The problem with this is that you get branded. You get marked with a scarlet letter that deems you crazy, unregulated, and the way you react becomes the focus as opposed to the slur you were just called. It’s hard to side with the alchemy girlies in those moments, but they are right. Channeling looks differently for everyone. Sometimes it’s a workout and sometimes it’s a substack (wink). But the point is that, it’s all about getting it out of your head and into your hands. To make that rage a clay ready to be molded into a beautiful red vase that will always remind you about the time you almost ripped your boyfriend’s head off for giving you attitude.
Making music the past few weeks has been a form of alchemy for me. What is usually reserved for hours worth of voice notes to my friends, often rehashing the same troubling trigger that is currently setting my ass on fire, was put into a song. For years, I would watch interviews with artists who talk about coming into the studio feeling some kind of way and creating something based on that feeling. Having lived according to my head most of my life, this sounded like the most impossible, task-heavy act known to man. You’re telling me, that instead of complaining endlessly, that I can make a beat, write lyrics, and sing?
Sounds like fucking bullshit and downright silly.
But the truth is that is silly, but it’s not complete bullshit. For the first time, I understand what those artists are talking about, but on a much smaller scale. What would be a trip to Electric Lady recording studio in New York to record a song for my upcoming 3rd album, is actually a trip to my best friend’s empty apartment to bang away on my MIDI and sing into my Amazon microphone. Regardless of the outcome, the process was healing in a way I couldn’t describe. The uncomfortable uneasiness I felt when I first sat down was real. Sometimes sitting down to create something, I’m met with intrusive thoughts that try to complete the project for me at lightspeed instead of letting itself play out naturally. I used to give into those thoughts, because what’s the fucking point of following through if it’s not going to turn out the way I planned.
But the thing with uncertainty is that you can fear it, or follow it. Fearing it just puts you back into your head and away from life. So if the coffee shop you’ve been thinking of going to, but haven’t because you don’t know how to parallel park or you might not have enough time, can be the song you didn’t expect to make, let alone love. What if the idea of the outcome is not even close to how good it can really be? I don’t blame us for having a lack of trust with ourselves for these things, but… you can either take the leap of faith or get clocked by your own gun.
If something is pushing you to move, maybe it’s worth just moving even if you can’t see where you’re going. Because you can sit and strategize all you want… but none of that planning is worth it, if you never learn to execute it.
xoxo,
cap
(You can listen to my tangible alchemy here)