It feels a bit impossible to be there for everyone. It’s kinda like a big ask… of anyone. I think about all the things I could be thinking about, but because I’ve just gotten better at keeping my mind in a nicer place, they don’t come up as much. I don’t feel myself running from my responsibilities just more… of an awareness of my hesitation.
But like my boy Rean from Trails of Cold Steel mentions, hesitation seems like a good thing to feel somehow. It’s a good thing to feel and then overcome. That’s where the hard work is maybe. Where it’s when you feel scared and overwhelmed. Like when you’re ready to quit or jump in a hole, you instead dive headfirst into whatever it is that’s scaring you.
I feel like I’ve already come to terms with the things I am afraid of. Not being loved in the way I desired to be. Not being desired. Being ostracized. Being my own worst enemy. I can name them all but then I would be really distracting myself. The truth is that I think that my willpower is being called into question.
How much am I willing to do, to be who I am?
Easy answers in my head. Work out, sit down and work, cut back on stimulants, train myself to be happy…. all that stuff. But when the going gets tough, I leave. I have always left at the first sign of resistance because I had confused resistance with misalignment. So when something wasn’t working out for me, like my first relationship, or my marketing managing position in NYC, I leave. I leave because the first push past uncertainty feels like too much.
I know this is different now. At least, I’m aware of it.
It makes me think about all the things I have lost, the opportunities I have let slip through my hands because I was uncomfortable with stepping up to the plate. The height felt too almighty. I used to play games on easy mode all the time when I was little, without understanding the euphoria often paired with overcoming a challenge. Like when I use the 20-pounders instead of the 15s for my bicep curls.
I think about how I see this in gaming today so often. This one game I just started playing again, Trails of Cold Steel 3, involves a lot of thinking. It’s a turn-based game which means that I don’t get to run around swinging my sword to win. It involves numbers, and making sure that my health is up while attacking the enemy. Making sure my party members/teammates are in good shape. Setting up the perfect opportunity for my girl Juna to blast an army of evil critters with her machine guns after using a myriad of calculated spells to lower their defense.
This all feels like an allegory for life. It’s a balancing act, and sometimes we want to work around that.
We want to take the easy route when we have an option.
I wonder what happens when life gives us no choice down the road and we have to walk the line, no matter how hard it is.
For those who have been on that easy tip, the hard road might feel unbearable, then maybe those who played on normal mode (the middle of the two) could find the fruits much sweeter on either side.
The rush of defeating a hard boss married with the breeze of the easy path back home after gaining a level or two.
